i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
