DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
