your room smells of hookers.
And success
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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