I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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