I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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