my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
