When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize