Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Less talking, more tequila
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
