yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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