i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
