my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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