Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
