i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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