this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
