If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
