spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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