you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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