i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
