You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
