Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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