You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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