He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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