I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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