Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
