If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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