i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
