Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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