Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
