If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
