im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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