Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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