Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
wanna go halves on a baby?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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