vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
