Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What a dumb baby whore.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
