You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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