I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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