I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
