It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
