Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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