Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
