btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
