this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
