he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You took a bar mat shot.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
