Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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