My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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