Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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