Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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