I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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