I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
