there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
