tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
