I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
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Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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