This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
