ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
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Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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