But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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