hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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