"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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