Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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